Its out there.

The things is, I feel like I'm putting my life on hold. I'm waiting for this huge wonderful thing to happen. And I just know that when it does happen it will be big and awesome and my life is gonna change forever and nothing will ever be the same again.

I just don't know what it is. That's another thing see.
What is it? How will I know when its happened? What if I've missed it? What if I was supposed to do that one thing but then I didn't and now the moment's passed.
(Like how Li Ern suggested Nando's and I had been thinking of the Nando's salad and so we go to Nando's and then Janey walks into Nando's. Or like how I'm sitting there bored with colleagues at McDonalds texting Janey goodbye and then she turns up at McDonalds to buy ice cream on her way back to KL)

What if I hadn't gone to Nando's or to McDonalds? What if I'd gone to KFC?
What if I'd turned left instead of walking straight ahead? Is it too late to turn back around?
What if I'd not looked hard enough like my mom always says I do(n't)? Will she always be there to help me find it?

What if all this while it's been right there in front of me and I've just been too blind to see it? (Isn't that the scariest kind?)

Is it a job leading me to a wonderful career in --? Is it a(nother) course I was supposed to take?(i.e: not economics) Is it a million bucks that my long lost dead uncle will leave me? Is it a man I'm supposed to marry? Is it a great revolutionary social movement I'm not a part of?

Is it rather something vague and philosophical? Like something some old person on the bus was supposed to tell me. Or someone I'm supposed to meet. (Like the man on the bus who read my palm or the taxi driver who tilik-ed my nasib) Maybe its a book I've not yet read. Or a place I've not yet visited.

What if I weren't online so much? What if I'd read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People? Or had been more hardworking at doing my logbooks for Guides? What if I'd gotten A's for everything? What if I'd practiced my piano?

Maybe I shouldn't have made a joke of everything, taken myself more seriously, thought more deeply. Read the Bible cover to cover.

Would I know by now? Would I join the ranks of the calm unquestioning/knowing people out there?

Is it because I'm fat?


*

I'll be 23.

Its like I'm still sitting on the bus like I was just now. Its hot and muggy. I'm sweating and the bus still isn't leaving the station. I'm sitting by the window but there's no breeze to speak of. Why is it taking so long? I'm sweating into my stiff collared shirt. The tissue in my hand is stained with the day's makeup. I want to stomp my feet and make a fuss but I know it won't help. So I keep still silently hurrying it up. At least I've got a book. Thank goodness I've got a book. Just focus on the book.

Father forgive me, my sin of Despair.


*

I get off at my stop and there's a full yellow moon though the sky is still blue. My dad picks me up and all I really want to do is to cry and when I get back I want to take a long shower and feel sorry about myself. But they're waiting for me to have dinner together and God forbid I keep them waiting.


*

My head is filled with plans. I want a bike. I want my own place. I want to leave. I think of maybe Singapore, maybe even of New York or London (on my invincible days), and most definitely I think at least KL.

But then I think and I know that unless God goes ahead of me like He did with the Israelites in olden times with the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar fire by night leading them through the desert, I am not going anywhere.
I want to see the seas split open.

Now that would be something.